I seem to have *knocks on wood, crosses fingers, etc. etc.* erased the virus from my laptop (please, PLEASE, let it be true). Not only that, so far I've managed to hold onto my files due to the extremely kind efforts of Krista, our IT person at work, who didn't have to do any of this. She backed up all my files on an external hard drive and let me take it home so I could make an attempt at restoring my stuff. After wiping my hard drive with DBAN (thanks, maize/epi_lj!) and reinstalling my OS and drivers, I was able to restore my files as well. If the virus has ridden along with them, it hasn't made itself known yet.
Other than having to redownload and/or reinstall some software, I may actually have come out of this not having lost *anything*. Which would be so, so amazing.